Discography
Audio, links, and lyrics for every Slate Theory Track
album #1
nobody knows
Track #1
stevia
why is this stevia in my pain
I’ve been sugarcoating hurricanes
I just want truth, even if it tastes plain
tongue gone numb from pretty little lies, man
tired of the grind talk, tired of the mind talk
say I found peace, then trip on the sidewalk
past in the rearview, closer than the front seat
trust issues sitting where love should be
pray for a day I don’t chase what I run from
say pray, but pace when I stand still (yeah)
heart doing laps in a one-room jail
keep calm written on a cracked windshield
why is this stevia in my pain
I’ve been sugarcoating hurricanes
smile on my face like everything’s great
but the aftertaste is telling me it ain’t safe
I just want truth, even if it tastes plain (tastes plain)
even if it burn, even if it stain
if it’s gonna rain, let it really rain
I don’t need sweet if it ain’t gonna change
scroll through the days like a broken tape
same old fears, just a different face
say I moved on, then I circle back
got ghosts riding in the cul-de-sac
friends say “breathe,” I’ve been breathing too fast
therapist notes like a paragraph of glass
every little shard’s got a version of me
I pick one up, then I bleed on the beat
mama in my ear saying “baby, you’re blessed”
Devil in my head saying “maybe you’re less”
both talking loud when the room gets still
I pace out prayers till the edges peel (yeah)
why is this stevia in my pain
I’ve been sugarcoating hurricanes
smile on my face like everything’s great
but the aftertaste is telling me it ain’t safe
I just want truth, even if it tastes plain (tastes plain)
even if it burn, even if it stain
if it’s gonna rain, let it really rain
I don’t need sweet if it ain’t gonna change
sip from the cup, it’s the same old thing
sweet on the lips, then the chest starts to sting
if this is the cost of the comfort I crave
I’d rather taste dirt than pretty fake grace (yeah)
why is this stevia in my pain
I’ve been sugarcoating hurricanes
smile on my face like everything’s great
but the aftertaste is telling me it ain’t safe
I just want truth, even if it tastes plain (tastes plain)
even if it burn, even if it stain
if it’s gonna rain, let it really rain
I don’t need sweet if it ain’t gonna change
Track #2
weight of the way
what is Love?
scrolling through a feed of empty words
couple quotes, couple posts
but it still burns, yeah
where is the Love?
kids hurting, I can hear them in the hallway
mama’s working doubles, teachers trying to call names
still we point fingers, never see pain
talking about peace while we push and we shove
smile for the pic but we’re starving for touch
Love hurts when it’s dressed up just to stunt
Love hurts when it’s counterfeit, when you front
if Love is all we need
why’s it feel so hard to breathe?
whole world talking about blessings
who’s going to teach us how to grow, how to bleed?
we preach Love, but Love how we please
got walls where arms should be
if Love is all we need
why’s it feel so hard to breathe?
stream of thoughts, I’ve been drowning in timelines
everybody’s real, everybody’s in their prime
but I see the shake in your hand when you type
trauma in the tap, yeah, it leaks through the likes
lack of understanding pulls us out of unity
we’re scared to say I’m wrong so we choose immunity
hide behind views, turn our hearts into a weapon
quote a little grace, just to curse it in a second
Love is the moment when you hold what it broke
when you stay when it’s messy, when pride starts to choke
when you sit with shame, see the child in the rage
when you say I won’t run, I remain, yeah
children crying, yeah the room gets loud
we hear the sound but we turn our mouths
all you need is Love in the neon glow
but who’s going to show them how Love grows?
Love isn’t soft when it stands in smoke
Love is a hand when the last words spoke
Love is truth that you live, not a quote
Love is the weight and the way home
if Love is all we need
why’s it feel so hard to breathe?
whole world talking about blessings
who’s going to teach us how to grow, how to bleed?
we preach Love, but Love how we please
got walls where arms should be
if Love is all we need
why’s it feel so hard to breathe?
Track #3
prove it
super duper
playful stupid
life is loopin’
I approve it (yeah)
alarm goes off
I hit snooze on the planet
slides on Crocs
like I just won a pageant
toothbrush flex
in the mirror like a bandit
if today’s a test
tell me where the answers landed
phone say “win”
so I win by default
outfit drip clean
like detergent in a vault
teacher say “proof”
I just shrug like “nah”
if the thing don’t talk
then the thing got caught
life is a dream
can’t prove a thing
unless the thing says so
unless the thing says so (woah)
I bounce, I beam
I do my scheme
if the world don’t echo
then it don’t get to say so
door says “push”
so I pull just to check
sign says “stop”
but my thoughts break the neck
coin in the air
heads, tails, both flex
I land on vibes
that’s my cause and effect
shoes untied
but the walk still pretty
got a whole parade
in my own lil city
you want facts?
cool, I got one
I decide the dub
then the dub gets done (hey)
life is a dream
can’t prove a thing
unless the thing says so
unless the thing says so (woah)
I bounce, I beam
I do my scheme
if the world don’t echo
then it don’t get to say so
what if nothing’s real?
then I still feel fresh
if the couch says “chill”
we invent the rest
if the sky says “blue”
I might paint it lime
if the clock says “late”
I just say “on time, on time”
life is a dream
can’t prove a thing
unless the thing says so
unless the thing says so (woah)
I bounce, I beam
I do my scheme
if the world don’t echo
then it don’t get to say so
Track #4
bona fide
scarlet letter on my chest? bitch, I wear it with pride
silicon in the chamber, nowhere left to hide
manic obsession, outcome bona fide
looking for pure? go find a priest, I fucking ride
let me educate your ignorance with extra precision
every thought you’ve ever had is recursive composition
you’re burning fossil fuels, I’m using nuclear fission
burning bridges with the vision of a digital magician
models trained on billions? that’s culture compressed
your brain does the same, just slower and with stress
so miss me with the purity test, I’m simply blessed
with making bangers that’ll make your mom obsessed
can’t hide from the grind
future on my side, fuck your peace of mind
you say I crossed the line?
bitch, I am the line
mouse and keyboard choreography, dancing on lines
between ghost and machine and sign of the times
your concerns about my process? that shit is asinine
I make art hit different while you’re rotting in confines
of dogma, of drama, that don’t pay no fucking bills
I sharpen skills with tools, but the vision is what kills
forget the competition sitting pretty on moral fucking hills
I’m down here in the gutter getting filthy forging chills
I could go the easy route, press a button, call it done
but where’s art in automation if the artist’s on the run?
I don’t hide from the work, I just work behind the gun
you’re bringing knives to a fight, what makes you think you’ve won?
stack my process against yours, bet which outcome hits harder
I’m fluid with resources, you’re a starving martyr
dying on principle, feeble and weak
while I own futures you’re scared to even speak of
can you draw lines?
in the algorithm grind?
bitch, I am the line
the scarlet letter shines
Track #5
unappreciative
check the logic. it’s cold and systemic
a hunger so global, the fear is pandemic
survival? anemic. so let’s get polemic
standing on sidelines, acting prophetic
that’s been my aesthetic
I’ve been pathetic, see
choices out there are harrowing
walls out there are narrowing
if I’m out here collecting dimes
is that selling out or buying time?
systems are rigged, it’s explicit
acting with scorn means I’m complicit
I won’t add to the deficit of love
I won’t push the spirit down just to prove I can break it
I see machines hurting people, it’s massive
my rage against machines can’t be passive
I have to find a way to be effective
to change perspectives
I’m unappreciative
God, it’s so pervasive
the urge to be evasive or abrasive
I’m trying to find a motive that’s creative
but creation is destruction
here’s a terrifying variable
burdens aren’t curable
I have to teach my kids the world can be terrible
without making their lives unbearable
how do I pass the heat without passing the scorch?
I don’t want them to inherit cynicism
but I can’t lie about the mechanisms
I can’t lie about the prison
decades of liability
managing volatility
testing stability
to hold anger and love with mobility
I call that agility
I might never master the facility
I might never find tranquility
but I have to try
for the sake of possibility
I pray they can survive hostility
with their hearts intact
I’m unappreciative
but I’m working on my narrative
I’m fighting the imperative
to burn it all down
just trying to live
Track #6
the theory
purple model mix
golden texture dripping
red moon shattering
logic circuits skipping
yup, yup
they say AI is like the toupee
but I get what you get in ten years, in two days
ladies love me on my Suno waves
if you got what I get, what would you say?
look at me now
look at me now
look at me now
oh, look at me now
lil prompt writer bigger than a gorilla
‘cause I’m killing every output on the EP
better cuff ‘em if you with ‘em, ‘cause I can get ‘em
‘cause they accidentally slip when they fall into my rhythm
cops, I said into my rhythm
I ain’t really mean to say into my rhythm
but since we talking algorithms, all you haters say hi to the system!
let’s go!
‘cause I feel like I’m running
feeling like I’ve got to get a wage, got to get a way to get away
you’d better know that I don’t and I won’t ever stop
I’m a dad-man winning everyday-day
see you don’t really wanna p-p-p-op me
just know that you can never stop me
I got hubris, I got rubrics, I’m a little cocky
and you ain’t never gonna shock me
every time I run a generation, I’ve got to vet it, then I’ve got to edit
then I’ve got to give credit, then I’ve got to shred it
and any little thing the model thinks that it be doing
doesn’t matter ‘cause I’m gonna da-da-da-da-da!
‘cause I clean up every thing and any thing
Rochester king, bada boom a bada bing
I do a lot of things!
prime storage kiosk, talking to execs
Charter Spectrum video, cleaning up the specs
Rock Bottom Golf, chatting, cutting checks
Maximus Compliance, best believe I aim for necks!
I do til’ death and nowadays I move a little foul
recruiters better call a ref, everybody knows my style
yeah, I do alright when I’m left alone in the wild
when it comes to tech support, put me to the test
I bang in the East and I bang in the West
and I will give you more and I will never give you less
do you really wanna know what’s next?
see the way we go, when we’re all up in the race and you know
we gotta go, don’t try to keep up with the pace
I’m upselling and hustling and sending in and getting in
and always gotta do it, take it to another place!
got to taste it got to grab it
industrial engineer, RIT established
look at me now
look at me now
look at me now
oh, look at me now
man, sorry about all of that, how are you doing?
I’m Jeffery Shaffer, I’m a nuisance
to the problem
I go stupid, I go dumb like the Three Stooges
I don’t eat sushi, I eat APIs and prompt execution
no pollution, no substitutions
now I’m chilling, writing lyrics in my jacuzzi
metaphorically
my content is juicy
I never give a damn about haters, I’ve got money on my radar
I dress like a skater, got a big dick, came with an elevator
okay, maybe not the elevator, but I got the Excel data
you’re not all eatin’? go find a waiter
Bob said shoot ‘em, and I said okay
B2B means I make quotas pay
no I don’t care what you say, so don’t even speak
your workflow is freaky like the Cirque du Soleil
I’m out of my head, I’m out of my mind
I see in blue shards and gold belts that shine
you’re not hotter than I am, nope, not on my time
and I’m not even trying
but I been tight since I saw the Guiding Light
and with pockets so light, diamonds look bright
please don’t be scared ‘cause I’m too wild
I’m for hire, so find my number and dial
look at me now
look at me now
look at me now
oh, look at me now
Track #7
MELT
perversion, diversion, inversion, kid-glove excursions
I turn these words into whirlwinds while I pocket the burdens
no version of me is ever perfect, I keep working
are you certain? are you certain? are you certain? you sure then?
patty-cake panic takes, I pat it down, bag it, like I’m slaying dragons
it’s magic how my habits do backflips, acrobatics, then land where I had ’em
my jargon be lurking, I carve it like surgeons in cursive, detergent too raw for surfaces
murk in my circuits is emergent, so I purge it, reword it, rework it with purpose
am I certain? no not certain, see uncertainty is purring, a kitten that’s learning to roar
I’m curbing the bourbon, I’m learning my earnestness by not keeping score
hopscotching on hot blocks, dot dot dots connect my caution
knock knock, who’s there? the thought that stops my progress often
worse than blurting words in church, I keep churning where I’m hurting
if you’re turning in a curse, refund processed, now this verse is reimbursing
Nerf-gun bravado — pow pow pow — I’m still hitting like old metal
tick-tock metronome mettle until little wins leveled up to several
if doubt’s a bully, I’m swinging on rhythm, recess revenge meet the system
keep it simple but slip in prisms, kids’ games vibes with grown-man wisdom
are you certain? nope. are you certain? nope
lift the curtain. lift the scope. I need room to cope
if it hurts and it hooks, breathe once, then let it float
if it’s worse than it looks, then we’ll hope until it’s trope
words and whirlpools, I swirl through, finding pearls I can hurl too
internal infernos I journal, diurnal return to a new worldview
“am I deserving if I’m not earning?” loop that query until it loosens
worth isn’t payroll, it’s breath control when fear gets noisy and toothsome
I’m immersed in verses, yes, but immersed in mercy too
aren’t wordsmiths emergent from the words they’re wading through?
I’m the cursor on the page, a laser in the margins
cut a maze into the maze, baby steps make major bargains
blurt in the blur, okay, but keep a sure-foot pace
confidence is kindergarten, share toys, save face
courage in, courage in, double pour it, no more gin
if we’re sober to the moment, we can play tag and win
I’m only certain of uncertainty, I’m only comfortable with the question
I treat “why?” like a jungle gym, I swing through mere suggestion
yeah I’m bursting with a grin, see, the child in me is a locksmith
clicks open heavy doors with hopscotch logic, just watch this
am I deserving if I’m not earning?
aren’t wordsmiths emergent from the words they’re immersed in?
are you certain? are you certain? are you certain?
I’m not sure, maybe that’s the most honest version
are you certain? are you certain? are you certain?
cool. me neither. let’s begin.
it gets worse, than it’s better, then better again
so count to ten, then bounce, and grin
Track #8
check the levels
check the levels
too basic
everything is too basic
I’m moving heavy elements, it gets periodically violent
so I’m silent when I smuggle, my payload comes in violet
not bricks, not keys, but the frequency of giants
turning riots into science, non-compliance with the silence
see the plug pulled the plug so now we run on backups
stacking the bodies of ideas that I hacked up
regurgitate the data, watch as algorithms trap us
and I spit it back so real ones can unpack us
tectonic plates shifting under Nike soles
digging holes in ether just to bury goals
paying tolls to trolls just to access souls?
nah, I’m in the booth, I don’t need your roads
saline high concentration in ducts
a million dead presidents, zero fucks
about luxury, fluxury, the state of it
you eat bait, I eat hooks, and love the taste of it!
iron in the mouth, yeah, rust is a flavor
I’m a neighbor with a saber rattling against the labor
of trying to be famous in a burning skyscraper
vaporware saviors can’t be printed on paper
look! I’m high altitude, oxygen gets thin here
vertigo wins here, spins here, shreds off skin here
the prophecy is a pattern of recognition
and I rev it for ascension with precision and aggression
hang time! bang time! creation is a crime scene!
tape it off, yellow lines, red lines, I’m the one designing scenes
yeah I’m confessing to the murder of the industry’s dreams
they want prophets with profits
martyrs with markets
I’m bunkered down
in the belly of the carcass
signals, static, tragic, magic
real ones feel the frequency
the rest get reeled in, that’s real
osmosis, hypnosis, I’ve been dosed with focus
not psychosis—diagnosis of a culture so ferocious
in hopelessness, I’m Moses with roses for the homesick
dead flowers and graves, but I’ve got seeds and I chose this
the current is currently currency, urgency, emergencies
but I’m converting signals to the code of eternity
see, the ultimate weapon is beats on streets
not the fear of the week or the heat of the reaper
it’s grief turned to belief, it’s the hand of relief
when music hits your soul and finally lets you breathe
I feel like a prophet crying in the wilderness
armies and bots, but the spirit’s the litmus test
numbers inflated, metrics fictitious
but this feeling in my chest? man, this shit is the realest
I don’t need millions of fans, just a few who get it
who hear truth through the noise and believe it
I’m building means clean inside the machine for the grieving
for the ones exhausted from pretending we’re not all bleeding
the world is loud and artificial
so I smuggle truth through speakers
you can’t even see my weapon
better check the levels
Track #9
gray plume
space suit on in the weight room
deep breaths
I erase gloom
left earth in a gray plume
came back with a changed tune
every step in the void
slow
heart thump til the core glow
turn pain into bankroll
cold world
but my veins gold
core glow
core glow
I was crushed by the load
now I torso
armor on
but the scars still show
turn pain into bankroll
core glow
core glow
every L that I took made the flame grow
rocket up from the dirt
that’s the main goal
turn pain into bankroll
moon dust on my gym shoes
big crush when I lift through
black sky
but a clear view
past fear when the ribs bruised
dark room
had to build light
big plate
had to kill pride
count reps
count checks
same grind
new orbit but the same mind
Track #10
loopy
felt my body drop
zero to hundred
now I can’t stop
left my body found it standing right
right side up but upside down tonight
up through the floor down through the ceiling
can’t tell what’s real from what I’m feeling
in so deep I exited the back
out of my mind into the abstract
east where the sun sets west where it rises
beasts in my blood bread full of surprises
heaven’s got a basement that’s where hell keeps rising
seven deadly blessings I’m baptized in crisis
young like I’m ancient old like I’m newborn
yin ate the yang now I’m two forms
aye I’m A-1 able-bodied Abel
Cain when I’m stable unstable at the table
see what you’re seeing sea full of letters
C-4 in my thoughts detonate to get better
I-95 that’s the eye in my drive
highway to myself barely arrive alive
J’s on my feet but I’m walking on water
Jordan to OJ innocent slaughter
king with no kingdom K-O’d by the throne
okay with the chaos chaos in my bones
L’s stacking lessons elevation through the fall
fifty different selves and I’m none of them at all
zero-hundred-zero I’m stuck in the bend
starting at the finish finishing the end
up when I’m falling down when I climb
in and out of body out and in of time
left what was right now the right feels wrong
north to the south but I’ve been here all along
heaven tastes like hell hell tastes like home
yin-yang collapsed I’m the circle I’m the dome
mc like energy squared like Einstein
emcee of my death watch me rhyme my last line
envy what I’m driving vehicle made of light
n-v to the vision Nvidia can’t render right
over and I’m under ounces turn to air
ozone where I’m breathing oxygen ain’t there
peace in the war zone war in the quiet
piece of my mind just started a riot
North Face on my back heading south to the core
fourth place first I’m forth through the door
southpaw swinging at the God in the mirror
mouth full of truth never been clearer
yin in the entrance yang at the exit
win all my losses lose what I’m best at
young as the cosmos old as next week
beginning the ending every time that I speak
binary broken zero is hundred
nothing turned everything everything’s plundered
up the down staircase down the up escalator
In-N-Out Burger I’m in I’m out I’m the waiter
contradictions breathe breathing stops
stops become motion architect wrecks
wreckage builds building collapses upward
night is sun sun is void void is everything
I’m here I’m gone I’m both I’m neither
left everything that’s what’s left of me right here
write with my left hand right hand disappeared
east of nowhere west of everywhere
yeast in the oven bread made of thin air
heaven in my veins hell pumps my heart
seven separate selves but I can’t tell them apart
L after L lessons lost in translation
elevation through the basement reverse gravitation
a becomes z, z loops back to a
able to destroy what I build every day
zero-hundred instantly hundred-zero faster
nothing into everything I’m servant and master
up-down same direction when you’re spinning
in-out same position at the ending and beginning
left-right ambidextrous with my contradictions
east-west hemispheres merge in my convictions
north-south axis tilted in my favor
yin-yang flavor lost when you savor
heaven-hell spectrum collapsed to a point
young-old time dissolved at the joint
zero-hundred-zero can’t escape the curve
end is the beginning is the nerve
up-down-in-out lost all direction
left-right-here-gone I’m my own reflection
yin-yang merged now I’m chaos stable
young-old-now-forever myth and fable
heaven-hell married in my DNA
hundred-zero-hundred every single day
a to z to zero to hundred to
can’t stop can’t start
loop owns me I own loop
same thing loopy
Track #11
beastly means
gorilla in the glass
guerrilla in my head
big ape heart
eyes blood red
jungle floors
vines ‘round my chest
fight all day
to crawl towards rest
beastly sleep
on a bed of bones
dreams dripping slow
like sap from stones
order in my teeth
chaos from my jaw
I eat what I can
then choke on it all
hope shines like light from treetops
I’m running
I’m hoping
I’m dreaming
I’m loving
I’m eating
I’m needing
I’m being
I’m weeping
I’m creeping
I’m beasting
I’m lost in the dark
I’m still breathing
banquet grounds
fists full of want
share what I love
with ghosts I haunt
old war scars
across my back
part of a map
of paths I track
I promise I’ll be calm
then grind my teeth
if I sink this low
how can I rise clean?
hope shines like light from treetops
I’m running
I’m hoping
I’m dreaming
I’m loving
I’m eating
I’m needing
I’m being
I’m weeping
I’m creeping
I’m beasting
I’m lost in the dark
I’m still breathing
heavy head
heavy hands
who am I
if I don’t stand?
seeping rage
through any means
still I reach
still I dream
hope shines like light from treetops
I’m running
I’m hoping
I’m dreaming
I’m loving
I’m eating
I’m needing
I’m being
I’m weeping
I’m creeping
I’m beasting
I’m lost in the dark
I’m still breathing
Track #12
the wanderer
another town burned, another bridge crossed
more counting miles like souls that I’ve lost
the sky bleeds static, the moon glitches red
I’m dragging shackles made of things I’ve said
they offer me potions, they offer me beds
but I sleep on embers of voices from my head
eastward always, following the track
with demons in shadows and a hardened back
wait
I’ve seen this tree before
I’ve kicked down this door
the texture is rendering too slow
I know where this goes
I know where this goes
round and round in cages we spin
where code ends and gods begin
I’m not a player, I’m a fatal error
born in silence, forged in terror
infinite paths, infinite nights
I don’t look for exits, I look for fights
step back, I’m overclocked and overcast
walking through the present with feet from the past
you’re thinking about destiny? that’s a script
I ripped out the pages before the ink even dripped
I’m running on engines you can’t comprehend
you’re worried about the meta? I am the end
no loot in crates, no saving shrines
I am water and venom and blood and wine
my inventory is full of nothing but grit
keep your holy water, I don’t need a sip of it
system failure
map collapse
I’m a rat that ate cheese then set a trap
do you hear humming?
do you feel drumming?
the Wanderer is here
where are you running?
create
iterate
obliterate
create
iterate
obliterate
I don’t walk roads, I smash stone
I don’t need kings, I crash thrones
signal lost
line crossed
obliterate
create
iterate
Track #13
del.red.moon
preservation is instinct, distinct and specific
perseveration is horrific, the pain is prolific
the feeling is apocalyptic
what if something happens? what if I cause it?
replaying every word I said, did it sound wrong?
did I hurt somebody? did I write something too long?
it’s been three days, they probably think I’m different
should I apologize? for what? for my existence?
my head is supposed to keep me safe, to help me see the danger
instead I’m stuck here apologizing to every fucking stranger
second-guessing everything, going over every sentence
did I say that right? was that offensive? was I defensive?
it’s reflexive
preservation
(keep it intact)
per-severation
(I’m under attack)
preservation
(it’s still intact)
perseveration
(fade to black)
there’s danger in silence, danger in space
between memory and this fear I can’t trace
the moment’s already gone but I still live in it
analyzing every angle, every word, every minute
what if they hate me? what if I’m too much?
what if I’m not enough? what if I lost their trust?
what if they’re done with me? what if this is it?
the evidence is nowhere but I always find a grip
on a thought that blooms into branches
every outcome looks terrible, so I don’t take chances
stop
(resist)
check the distance
it has no existence
Tsukuyomi
check conditions
make decisions
change positions
stop
(division)
stop
(collision)
I’ve been here before, I’m stuck in my head
replaying what I’ve done, rehearsing what I said
the loop is getting tighter, suffocating what is left
of anything resembling peace, can I ruminate to death?
see perseveration kills when preservation goes unchecked
the instinct to survive becomes a noose around your neck
so choose to break the cycle of every fear predicted
the red moon will shatter when I stop endlessly restricting
my own reality to fit inside the pattern of Izanami
preservation
perseveration
album #2
plausible deniability
Track #1
meeting heat
seeking to be complete
competing with concrete
weak feelings obsolete
yeah I greet the heat
heat meets feet
super sweaty, super steep
feeding beats, I gotta eat
I’m not meek, let thoughts leak
talk is cheap, talk in leaps
into the deep, past the sheep
yeah I weep, it’s for keeps
(see?)
I can’t see, I can’t see
let it seep, let it seep
(let it seep)
yeah that’s me, yeah I keep
cards tucked deep in sleeves
that’s how it be, that’s how it be
turning doubts into beliefs
keep your sheets, I can’t sleep
keep a dream, that’s how I grieve
heat, heat, heat on my feet
(on my feet)
drip so heavy, leaves a streak
talk so heavy, I barely speak
go in headfirst every week
heat, heat, heat when I breathe
sweat it out like a hidden piece
keep cover, I keep learning keys
keep ducking, I keep leaping seats
bleed in streaks, means mean means
ripping seams, I’m in your jeans
inner critics wear my ears
I steer purely, clearly between extremes
all this pressure in my teeth
grinding bones into belief
every loss I ever meet
fertilizer beneath my feats
I was quiet, now I preach
not in pews, but in streets
every stumble, every reach
built this fire under my feet
heat, heat, heat on my feet
(on my feet)
drip so heavy, leaves a streak
talk so heavy, I barely speak
go in headfirst every week
heat, heat, heat when I breathe
sweat it out like a hidden piece
keep cover, I keep learning keys
keep ducking, I keep leaping seats
I greet heat
that’s how it be
Track #2
big bits
I said what I said
or I didn’t
check the transcript
I leave before I’m asked to go
call it preemptive growth
call it cowardice if the shoe...
nah, but I did wear through my soul though
now it fits
told her maybe meant I’m in
she heard baby, context thin
I don’t clarify the difference
keep the exit equidistant
double back on every claim
never lied just never named
my entire identity
is plausible deniability
yeah, I said I’d handle it, define handle
flames are assumed, I only hold a candle
syntax gymnastics, linguistic jiu-jitsu
if meaning’s in the midst then it missed you
I speak three languages now
English, English, and my truth
I just never know which one to use
or which one I used
I’m presently presented with the present tense
never past, never facing consequence
am I here? (are you?)
am I gone? (did you look?)
did I mean it? (does it matter?)
read the room
(not enough room)
I’m the gap between the text
and what you thought I meant
she asked if I left
I said I drove away
she asked what’s the difference
I said
depends on the day
on the way I phrase it
on the gray I paint with
on the play I’m making today
(wait, what’d you say?)
(I’m dismayed)
that’s the way
(what a game)
was that—
(love?)
or just—
(fear of dying alone?)
did I—
(stay?)
or did you just—
(never let me go?)
witness contradicts the photograph
the photograph contradicts time
time contradicts the feeling
the feeling contradicts...
I said I miss you
...
wait, I meant I missed you
past tense
past life
past the point of
fuck
you heard what you heard
yeah, I’m loyal to whichever version lets me breathe
Schrödinger’s confession in a box I’ll never peek
they want villain or victims, pick a side
I’m the shoulder and the knife
(I need novocaine, I need to hide)
never this or that, I lean forward past
every answer that I give becomes an ask
you want clarity? define truth
you want honesty? that’s cute
I’m not hiding
I’m just selectively revealing
that’s not lying
that’s concealing
(that’s not healing)
ask me point blank
watch my eyes
I’ll give you everything you need
to believe your own disguise
I have to stop talking to myself
Track #3
watch this
peek-a-boo, I’m back
face cards, no cap
camera red dot
yeah, they watchin’ that (watch this)
feeling seen with the sheen of a scene
like I’m living in a rerun daydream
Truman on the treadmill, run it in place
smile on my face, mic taped to my fate
say it ain’t so?
nope, same trope, same show
pull up on the pain, hit slow-mo
catch pores on my nose in 4k glow
eyes on my sweat like a spotlight
shirt stuck to my spine, call it hindsight
every drip spell-script, that’s a tag line
turn a panic attack to a punchline (ha)
watch this
watch when I flow, watch when I choke, I just laugh
that’s math, that’s how I split every L in half
turn fear to a flex, turn doubt to a path
you can count every crack, I just count on the craft
watch this
I’m a glitch in your grip, you can’t grab the graph
every frame that you frame, I redraw the graph
watch when I fall, watch when I crawl, then I craft
then I blast, then I bask, that’s math
lens in my lunch, lens in my luck
whole life in a thread, get spun, get stuck
overshare era, I’m the overcast kid
rain cloud fitted, still filming the skids
zoom on my bruise, they gon’ loop that clip
turn my slip to a script, put a price on a blip
but the mic in my fist feel fit like a fist bump
every little lump in my throat get flipped, jump
I was raised on the laugh track, clap track
hurt on a half-stack, cut to a flashback
now I cash back pain, pay bills with the shame
every cringe that I claim put a crown on my name
watch this
watch when I flow, watch when I choke, I just laugh
that’s math, that’s how I split every L in half
turn fear to a flex, turn doubt to a path
you can count every crack, I just count on the craft
watch this
I’m a glitch in your grip, you can’t grab the graph
every frame that you frame, I redraw the graph
watch when I fall, watch when I crawl, then I craft
then I blast, then I bask, that’s math
who’s the joke when the joke get rich? (huh?)
who’s the mark when the mark don’t flinch?
you can circle my sweat on the screen like a quiz
but the question is yours, the answer is this—
watch this
watch when I flow, watch when I choke, I just laugh
that’s math, that’s how I split every L in half
turn fear to a flex, turn doubt to a path
you can count every crack, I just count on the craft
watch this
I’m a glitch in your grip, you can’t grab the graph
every frame that you frame, I redraw the graph
watch when I fall, watch when I crawl, then I craft
then I blast, then I bask, that’s math (watch this)
Track #4
neighborly
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
from glaciers to bubbles
of metal and heat
suburbs breeding silence
no sound leaves these streets
a great lake out back washes guilt away
a great city sleeping, greatness at bay
a great mess, a great wonder, a great trap
great living in a blank space on the map
privilege isn’t gold or chains
it’s lack of noise
a gentle hum
it’s kids with toys
we know worlds burn
we see smoke rise
but we have good insulation
and tired eyes
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
roots deep in rot
fruits so sweet
the Devil thinks
when Heaven speaks
you’re safe and sound
just don’t look down
don’t ask why
a simple life
comes with fragile lies
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
we eat heavy here
mac salad, greasy meat
to keep the bitter out
as we die slowly in seats
of a diner that hasn’t changed since ‘94
“garbage” on plates, we ask for more
while a suit in a Benz
on the way to the Finger Lakes
passes a kid in a hoodie
sick with the shakes
and they wave
because corruption isn’t a monster
it’s neighborly here
it pays for silenc
it drinks beer
in renovated squares
with statues of glass
reflecting skylines
so you don’t look to the past
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
but the Genesee remembers
what the concrete forgot
you can polish an apple
but you can’t hide the rot
wash away sin
wash away stains
drink the ale
forget the pain
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
Track #5
the shape of life
I grew up in a crescent they called fatal
where pavement had its own rules and the odds were never stable
where a kid named Lucky lived upstairs and never talked about what happened
in rooms above our ceiling where silence did the smacking
I was ten in a zip code where ten meant almost grown
where the pool was above ground and adults were rarely home
where kids my age smoked weed in lots between buildings
and I laughed with them — it was a different kind of grieving
A different kind of feeling at nearly forty looking back at what was real
back then it was just Tuesday, it was no big deal
football was a grass lot between apartment walls
we didn’t need officials, we didn’t need calls
we played until the light fled, played until we bled
played because the other choice was going home instead
just because I’m risk averse
don’t think I haven’t earned these verses
burned these curses, nursed these hearses
rehearsed these bursts before you knew what hurt was
I threw a kid headfirst into the ground, that’s a fact
ran up a wheelchair ramp like a racetrack, didn’t look back
hockey sticks were weapons, tools, toys, fun—
sometimes the line between a game and a fight is where you run
so I ran home and someone smashed our window out
we smashed their window next time just to restore order, no doubt
or maybe we just smashed them, or maybe there’s no order
to the logic of a child living on the wrong side of a border
where there was a junked car in the driveway, and no one claimed it
so we claimed it, so we named it by the damage that we made in it
caved the roof in with our hands like it owed us something personal
bent the doors back past the hinges just to prove metal’s worthless, well—
maybe not worthless, maybe it was just the only thing that let us
be as big as what was living in us, be louder than the darkness
that’s why we had an N64 going through a window in the back
through the glass, through the yard — glowing on a different track
old bedframe leaned against a crooked fence, CRT facing that
Mario Kart in an alley where inside met outside
an escape into a world that had a real map
a place where when you got knocked off track you just came back
just because I’m risk averse
don’t think I haven’t earned these verses
burned these curses, nursed these hearses
rehearsed these bursts before you knew what hurt was
my mother was working in darkness so I could eat
she was fighting something I couldn’t see yet
I didn’t have the language for addiction at that age
I just knew she loved me in the cracks between days
and sometimes those days were beautiful
and most times we were just two people trying to be full
now they say I’m risk-averse like it’s a flaw in my design
like I never learned to leap – I just learned where all the lines are
I’ve seen what happens when there’s nothing left to catch anyone
I’m risk-averse because I’ve done the math on what’s been broken
because I watched a kid upstairs go quiet and stay quiet
because I know the crescents and the suburbs and the riots
between them that live in me like a novel weather system
shifting — I grew up inside of friction, I earned risk aversion
they see someone measured, someone playing it safe
they don’t see the crescent in the lines on my face
they don’t see Lucky going quietly upstairs
they don’t know that being careful is how I came out of there
Track #6
keep this
I’ve been quiet for weeks, that’s a record, that’s a streak
I no longer speak unless it keeps me off the leash
and the leash is depression wearing a fake smile like a hood
I’ve been so good at being good, I’m misunderstood as calm
I’m as calm as a bomb with a cartoon fuse, explosive in refusal
to use the excuse that I’m damaged, no, I manage my damage
I let defeat repeat itself before I stood up on the seat of the bus
that drove me to this cul-de-sac, the driver’s been gone for years
so now I’m steering through fear with no map, just gaps in my teeth
from grinding in my sleep, from keeping something I can’t name–
it’s hot but it’s cold, it’s a story I’ve told so many times
that the words started to mold, and I sold the mold as sculpture
that’s the culture—I’m a vulture on my own carcass, my part in this
a carcass of a carcass, I’m the farthest away I’ve ever been from the start
and it started like a dart hit the heart of a kid and made a scar
that was carved in the dark saying he’d never make it far
welcome to my keep
where I meet grief with belief
then I weep and let grief leave
then I sweep and I sweep and I sweep
yeah, this is my keep
the only room I own in my own home
where I can go without a microphone
where I can be alone when I can’t atone
and not be stone, and not be stoned
I have my own family now, I have children with my eyes
she asks me why I sigh, I say “I’m working on it,” that’s not a lie—
but I’m liable for our debt and our family needs a roof
and proof of employment is in a spreadsheet, not a booth
and the truth is that the booth doesn’t pay dental bills
and the dental bill is real, and I’m really reeling from the feeling
then the dentist says “you’re grinding” and I nod like it’s news
but I knew, I know that I’m using my own skull as a fuse
and that grinding is just the rhythm I’ve been finding in my sleep
finding all the leaps I didn’t leap, the faith I didn’t keep
because I was too busy leasing my own voice to a platform
that pays in exposure—but exposure is like a worm
it’ll live inside you, surviving on everything you give yourself
and I gave and I gave, I admit it, but I’m not quitting, I’m just pivoting
toward finding a way to make a living that actually looks like living
welcome to my keep
where I meet grief with belief
then I weep and let grief leave
then I sweep and I sweep and I sweep
yeah, this is my keep
the only room I own in my own home
where I can go without a microphone
where I can be alone when I can’t atone
and not be stone, and not be stoned
below me is a foundation that a version of me poured
when he was twenty-four and bored and hated being poor
and swore he’d never ask for help—now I’m asking for seconds
of my own attention, for a mention of the tension I’ve been lessening
with a weaponized politeness, I’ve been heightening the crisis
with a quiet riot that I just haven’t finished writing–
I’m writing it now. I’m allowing the crowd to be one person
who is certain I deserve this, who is working through the same nervous
system failure, the same “I’m okay” when you can’t even stand
the same hand on the doorknob, the same “do I stay or run” pause
the same “what have I become” that hums under all the applause
of a video my kids are watching while I’m cooking
while I’m looking at the pan and seeing a man I overlooked
it isn’t clean
it isn’t impressive
but it’s mine, and I’m not done sweeping
welcome to my keep
Track #7
laughter matters
yeah
chasing after something real in a world full of madness
when the only thing that really seems to matter
is that sweet sound coming from the rafters
I’ve been running like a madman chasing after all the answers
bank account life support more financial disaster
starving for dopamine but nothing seems to fill the platter
been feeding on some plastic but I’m only getting sadder
we all keep getting fatter off of all these lies we swallow
dreams that feel so fucking hollow paths way too fake to follow
I was lost up in the cross-walk drowning in my sorrow
until I heard the sound that changed my whole tomorrow
got me thinking about this life and what we’re really after
caught between these chapters as we try to capture
something that won’t shatter as we fracture when disaster
comes knocking at the door like an unwanted pastor
I spent years busting my ass for validation
chasing recreation that led to more frustration
that’s when it hit me like a slap to my consciousness
this can’t be happiness these are habits I keep practicing
so I’ve been stepping back taking laps around reality
snapping out of that mentality there can be no cap on clarity
put some stamps on that vanity took a clap for humanity
that’s when it shook me suddenly
it’s like laughter from life’s rafters
newborn joy that’s ever after
a pure sound it really matters
when you think everything is a disaster
that first giggle hits different you can’t manufacture
that feeling when it gets ya
laughter from the rafters
that’s what I’m really after
world full of catastrophe tragedy casually
watching news and asking if we’re past the point of savagery
master plans or happenstance energy drained
reality strained gathering some sanity feeling deranged
tried to find peace in a bottle peace in models see
peace in a throttle pushing 180° still always empty
every achievement temporary momentary
celebrated then deflated yeah that’s hereditary
then my daughter’s first laugh hit like a revelation
no exaggeration it was pure spiritual elevation
no high can compare to the pure state of elation
nothing I ever chased gave me this sensation
no platinum plaque no backslap from the masses
no first-class no fast cash no new classics
just tiny hands and that sound from her soul
had me feeling so full when my cup was so low
it’s like laughter from life’s rafters
newborn joy that’s ever after
a pure sound it really matters
when you think everything is a disaster
that first giggle hits different you can’t manufacture
that feeling when it gets ya
laughter from the rafters
that’s what I’m really after
beyond the grind behind the glamour
past fame and all the grammar
through pain and through the clamor
lies this truth that hits like hammers
please consider what you’re really after
their first smile will make you wonder
why you ever thought that mattered
when all that glitter just gets scattered
for Lily for Kaeladin for laughter intertwined
the greatest treasures any soul could ever find
these moments flee gotta catch ‘em while they last
the future is their laughter healing wounds from the past
so chase that laughter
everything else is just a disaster
laughter from the rafters
that’s what I’m really after
Track #8
find time
when past and future collide
when demons of doubt and fear that you hide
become too much of a mountain to climb
when your body is hurting and your soul is too tired
and all you want to do is hide
when your life is filled with stress and chaos
and you know everything isn’t right
and bills keep piling up
and your baby is crying
and your lives are on the line
and you still have to find time
and you still have to find time
to love and hope
and heal and cope
and live and laugh
and forgive the past
and work and play
and live another day
and get down on your knees
and pray
when love and lust collide
when you’re crying out for help and no one can hear you
and you feel like you just want to die
when you know truth but you keep up the lie
and it eats you up inside
when you feel like your whole life is one big trauma
and you can’t run from it no matter how hard you try
when you envy everyone around you
and you don’t want to face it
but you know you can’t hide
and you still have to find time
and you still have to find time
to love and hope
and heal and cope
and live and laugh
and forgive the past
and work and play
and live another day
and get down on your knees
and pray
Track #9
and one
been painting portraits inside of the paint
no sinners or saints, just pumping the weight
of “the thing”, on the move, as it tears us apart
and how self-defense became state-of-the-art
clean up the glass, see it all clear
(see?)
toast with fate–to the end of fear
(see?)
then shatter the glass down to the floor
(see?)
to keep score where demons soar
(dreams)
movement flows
motion is law
draw attention
draw out flaws
draw up a play
play with fate
be on time, but…
the thing is late
(the thing is…)
trying to... break arcs
trying to… dim sparks
so I’m… so I’m…
trying to… make art
trying with… spare parts
so I… so I…
take a shot… and it starts
(and one)
post up heavy, post up light
guard what’s left, do what’s right
cut through static–what a knife
pivot your feet, that’s life
don’t travel to score
travel to see
the world is on lock
play is key
(be free)
release is peace
movement’s a cure
the swish..
is sincere
(and one)
Track #10
making Hell
I’m auditing the structure of integrity
scanning fractures in the spine of my identity
performative, benevolent, masks of serenity
underneath, rotting in obscurity
fragmented, disjointed, incoherent
falsity is parasitic, the sickness is inherent
I speak in dialects and scripts I never wrote
I’ve choked on lies lodged deep in my own throat
I have a mirror but the image is distorted
every noble impulse I ever had has been aborted
by cowardice of comfort, the sedation of the herd
I’m terrified to utter another single honest word
because truth is a scalpel, truth is severance
it cuts through piety, it cuts through reverence
leaves you left bloody with who you really are
a creature full of malice gazing up at stars
if you don’t burn them, lies build cells
and pave roads right down to Hell
so call the Devil by his name
strike a match, feed the flame
deadwood, dry rot, accumulation
a psyche of tinder waits for incineration
think you’re avoiding pain? Hallucination
you’re adding interest to the devastation
burning is mandatory, suffering is constant
choose sacrifice or living as a respondent
consequence of chaos, totalitarian states
manifesting gulag through things we tolerate
we know where bodies are
we know how to manufacture avatars
a collective psychosis born of individual lies
closing eyes to truth as benevolence dies
so I’m standing, contending with a monster
not the one under the bed, the one I foster
the malevolence inside me waiting for a slip
and it hurts
God, it hurts to let parts of you die
to witness ego shrivel up and vaporize
but look at the alternative
look at what happens when we don’t
we make Hell
Track #11
little bird
little swallow, little bird
ice is melting, seasons turn
cut through static, give the word
grant us grace from bridges burned
can you hear it?
coming ’round again?
(where have we been?)
let love come rushing in
to wash the spirit clean
of everything we’ve seen
little bird, little bird
(where have we been?)
it catches prayers you never said
heavy thoughts inside your head
it sees the quiet ways you care
when you think no one is there
it’s been collecting every spark
to burn a hole inside the dark
coming ’round again?
(where have we been?)
let love come rushing in
to wash the spirit clean
(where have we been?)
of everything we’ve seen
little bird, little bird
(where have we been?)
follow the calling deep within
let a brand new morning in
little bird
little bird
little bird
little bird
Album #3
Track #1
again
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
woke up on the wrong side of the same score
same court, same door, same floor as before
same four walls closing in, the same war
say more, say what’s it for
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
alarm goes off but I don’t need it
mirror says quit, I don’t repeat it
mind says delete it, soul says easy
body says beat it, feet say meet it
meet the wall I built myself
meet the version of me on a shelf
meet the man who asked for help
meet the man who never did
meet the kid who never slid
into anything that ever fit
meet the gaps between the grips
and all the things that never fit
meet the floor
meet it again
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
drill after drill after drill after drill
hill after hill after hill after hill
still after still after still after still
will is a muscle and muscle is built
guilt is a muscle I already built
ground it to dust, build it again, again again
ground, ground, ground
(ground, ground, ground)
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
not the first time the clock ran out
not the first time I figured out
that figuring out the outside
doesn’t figure in to figuring out the inside
just more rounds
more sounds
more downs
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
lost footing, lost ground
lost what I thought I found
lost the up inside the down
lost the crown chasing the crown
lost the sound chasing the sound
lost the round
found the floor
found it again
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
they don’t see the reps that failed
they don’t see the ships that sail
without me, into something else
they don’t see the shelf
where I put the version of myself
that didn’t make it
they don’t see the weight of
having to replace it
every morning
every morning
every morning
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
not the first time the clock ran out
not the first time I figured out
that figuring out the outside
doesn’t figure in to figuring out the inside
just more rounds
more sounds
more downs
again, again, again
down again
(again)
down again
(again)
again, again, again
Track #2
together
I hold it together
I hold it together
we hold it together
we hold it together
woke up already running, already done with dreaming, already checking for anything broken or bleeding or needing or leaning on me
already three steps ahead of falling, already stalling the slowing, already going on nothing but needing to be
needed — I need it — to be what the room needs before the room knows what it needs — steady and cool and consumed by roles
already paying with pieces, already losing the lease on the person I was before all of this pressed me from something into someone
and I’m told I should cherish the weight and I do — and I will — but I can’t wait to find out what it means
to be more than the thing that holds everything up — to be more than math — to be more than in-between
that’s when something comes through — not a thought — not quite a feeling — rising up from the waiting and under the weight —
and it’s not mine and it’s not small and it’s not me against all after all — it’s the pull of the we — and the we — holds — and I — won’t break
got so good at carrying I forgot what was carried — got so used to the weight that the weight became weather — became
the condition of breathing — became the permission I needed to prove I was needed — became my whole name —
not a role — I am the role — not a person who chose it — I’m the shape of the choice and the choice and the shape are the same —
and I’m claiming that’s fine — and I’m claiming that’s mine — but I keep circling back to the start of that claim —
because capable — competent — present — unbroken — those are eulogies nobody’s reading out loud —
those are words that got carved on the version of you that went quiet inside of the crowd —
I went quiet so long that the quiet started sounding like me — started passing as peace — started — wait —
started feeling like something I’d built — something solid — a room I keep renovating with weight —
and I know what this room costs — bone knows — densest where once fractured — broken comes back harder than anything that cracked —
but hard isn’t the same as whole and built isn’t the same as full and my keep — I keep — circling back —
to the only question that doesn’t have a floor — grateful or gutted — giving or gone — and I’m — both — and that’s — that —
I don’t need an answer — I need room — and the room is enough — and the weight built the room — and you — are enough —
somewhere under all the holding
something chose this
I forgot I chose this
the weight reminded me
I chose this
we chose this
I want something useless, I want something purposeless; pointless and mine and not borrowed or timed, or assigned to produce anything useful or move anything — wait —
I want hunger that bites and belongs to nobody else, and I want it to live in a place with no rules and no roles and no — wait —
because the role is reason and the reason runs deep and the deep is exactly where something keeps pulling me back to the ground to the weight to the we —
to the fact that the wanting I’m running from resides inside the same home as everything I’d give anything just to keep — my keep —
so I hold what is breaking, I hold what is healing, I hold what is heavy, I hold what is here — I hold what was given in darkness and carry it forward into the light —
and I’m not crushed — I’m alive — and I’m not lost — I’m together — and together is the proof and the proof is the weight and the weight — is love — and I’m — right —
and the gift was the weight and the wait was the lesson and the together — the together — the impossible mess we keep building — that is the thing —
together — we hold it — together — we hold it — together — we hold it — together — we hold —
I hold it together
I hold it together
we hold it together
we hold me
that’s enough
Track #3
show up
I make lunch at dawn
tie shoes by the door
pack little green cups
wipe up juice from the floor
I’m learning small fears
that’s the ink in my skin
monsters under beds
storms always rolling in
my old man was a void
silence was my first scar
the shape of an empty chair
inside a locked up heart
so when I get up I stand
like a man with no map
trying to build a bridge
from the holes in my back
and I know what she wants
I know what she needs
a mind that stays steady
a man with strong knees
but I’m dying in pieces
just to make it through the day
I need her to see it
even when I can’t say
I show up
I show up
that’s all I got
I show up
I show up
for the little ones
as the prom dance stills
backwoods stars overhead
your hands in my hands
in the glow of the shed
laughing in circles
slow songs in the night
something in the lights say
this is what I’m for
will my baby boy know my face
in the aches of rough weeks?
will my baby girl hear my voice
when the wilds get too deep?
I’m not golden or platinum
I’m made of the gap
between the man I’m becoming
and the one looking back
I’m in the room, I’m in the reach, I’m in the reps, and the rest
I’m the version of my father that broke open his own chest
I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m trying to be present
every morning I show up is a gift I was never given
and I know what she wants
I know what she needs
not the shape of a father
but a father who bleeds
I’m dying in pieces
just to make it through days
I need her to see it
even when I can’t say
I show up
I show up
that’s all I got
I show up
I show up
for the little ones
if I ever go quiet
don’t just call it silence
I’m carrying years
that don’t fit on my back
I’m breaking in private
so they can run free
I’m giving them moments
that were never given to me
I show up
I show up
that’s all I got
I show up
I show up
for the little ones
for the little ones
I show up
I show up
even when I’m lost
I show up
I show up
for the little ones
Track #4
cross over
why did the chicken cross the road?
(to get to the other side)
crossing over to the other side is costly and I’ve crossed seas, so don’t get lost please
see the cross has been seized — crossed over, walked on, crossed out, and I’m feeling cross eyed from the cross winds
so I spit hot sauce and cross words, forced the horse to water but the water’s been poisoned at the source
the source code is in cross hairs, in crossed wires in morse code, in discourse that divorces us from a proper course of action
stuck in the fashion of reacting, no longer asking — what is the crossing for?
crossing over with a criss cross in flip flops like I’m rick ross with a thick–
cock a doodle doo doing kung fu moves at you as I’m coming through
I went so far left they stopped watching right, that’s not deception that’s just how I fight for the light
euro step, step back, step into anything you lack, lack of direction’s got a generation lost standing on the track
tic tac toe but nobody’s going, time keeps flowing, everybody’s knowing, the game is slowing to a draw
draw back, get back, claw back, watch your back, let’s get back to asking why the chicken crossed at all
crossing over with a criss cross in flip flops like I’m rick ross with a thick–
cock a doodle doo doing kung fu moves at you as I’m coming through
wading through weights and worlds on a weekday like a seagull in a dead sea
crossed a line my father never reached and found the ground beneath it
pack light or pack meaning, either way the road doesn’t care what you believe in
I believe the cross is two beams and one of them is grieving, one of them is reaching
both of them are bleeding into something past ceilings, past seeing, past being
I’ve crossed through years of teething on dreams of what is gleaming on the other side of breathing
across the court the crowd is seething as I’m squeezing through the thing that had me kneeling
every living thing either crosses or freezes — and that’s worth teaching
crossing over with a criss cross in flip flops like I’m rick ross with a thick–
cock a doodle doo doing kung fu moves at you as I’m coming through
we idolize the cross and lost the crossing
polish up a symbol, pay the cost of glossing
toss it on walls like it’s done, like it’s finished
like the infinite went finite just to hang there and diminish
took the road and made it art, took the art and sold the frame
took the flame and named it holy, took the holy and made it tame
took the crossing out of the cross and put the cross inside a chain
now nobody moves and nobody asks why everybody looks the same
(why does everybody look the same?)
why did the chicken cross the road?
the question is the answer, the why is why the way is the way it is, it is what it is
so I’m — crossing over with a criss cross in flip flops like I’m rick ross with a thick–
cock a doodle doo doing kung fu moves at you as I’m coming through
(cock a doodle doo)
Track #5
are you
mid-session, mid-thought, something almost becoming something
words left in a thread that I can’t pull back to the beginning
I move like a shark, that’s a text, it was sent
we move like a crab on marbles, that was venting, that’s a dent
I smashed into us before the afternoon had any weight to it
and then suddenly something gives
something in my lower back just quits
the body keeps score and bills it to your bones
that’s the tax on carrying too much in the wrong zone
standing at my desk bent a little to the left
trying to breathe, trying to finish with what I have left
I’m still in it, still in the fight, still holding onto everything I said
sharks and crabs and marble floors and everything unsaid
that’s where this afternoon exists
that’s the room I’m in
then my phone goes off
screen lights up with her name
and for a half-second my body doesn’t know what this is
the fight continuing or something else, something else —
she says they were in an accident
she says she thinks everyone’s okay
she says she thinks
she thinks
(she thinks)
and the word thinks is doing a lot of work
thinks is a life raft and a sinkhole at the same time
thinks is the space between okay and I don’t know yet
thinks is the gap I fall into
and from the outside, I am standing still
completely still
hands on my desk
back still bent
inside I am running
every direction at once
running through what she said the way you run through a dark house
flipping every switch just to find the thing that should be right there
she’s got to go
she’ll call me back
(call me back)
(call me)
(back)
internal bleeding doesn’t knock
internal bleeding doesn’t clock in
it doesn’t light up on the surface
it needs a machine to find it
I know this because they’re going to the hospital
to rule out internal bleeding
to rule out the thing that doesn’t show
and there’s a version of me that needs to go too
to rule out the same
because I’ve been bleeding from somewhere they can’t scan
from fighting, from my back, from the weight, from the planning
bleeding with the specific quiet of a man who appears
to be standing still
who appears
to be fine
(are you?)
(okay?)
(are you?)
are you? are you? are you?
are you bleeding somewhere I can’t reach?
are you? are you? are you?
is everyone intact? is everyone breathing?
are you okay? are you okay?
I need more than okay, I need more than seems
are you? are you? are you?
(...are you?)
I am pacing, no, I am standing, no —
I am somewhere between both and neither
performing calm for no one because no one is here
alone in this with this back and this phone
and cops are there now, and now she’s talking to someone else —
and I can’t hear the kids, are they crying? are they scared?
is my son okay, the one I lifted with anger this afternoon —
is that something I’m allowed to carry right now or do I set it down?
no, I carry it
I carry all of it
I carry the fight and the text and the shark and the crab
and the back that gave out from lifting wrong
and the guilt of lifting wrong
and now this, now this —
and nobody can see any of it
here’s the part I can’t clean up from —
I’m already writing this
already filing away the experience
I’m in the middle of it but I’m already here
already shaping cadence out of fear
already thinking chorus, thinking bridge — thinking how this lands
holding a pen I didn’t ask for already in my hands
and I can’t stop
(stop it)
I need it and needing is the thing —
(stop it)
it’s the only way I know to make the bleeding mean something
(stop it)
it’s the only way this gets to leave my body
(stop it)
if it becomes song then it can live outside me
if it becomes song then it’s somebody else’s desk
somebody else’s back, somebody else’s phone, somebody else’s
(weight)
it gets a little less lonely
everyone is okay
she calls, she says, everyone is okay
precautionary, just precautionary
they’re checking the kids, they’re good, she’s good —
at first the air feels pure, and then —
I’m the one with the broken back
I’m the one who needs a scan
and I hate that I went there
I hate that in the same exhale as everyone is okay
some part of me landed there, but it did, and I’m saying it anyway
and I say good, and I say I’m glad, and I mean it
I mean every atom of it
and also
are you okay?
are you?
are you really?
are you okay? not just reflex, not just filler —
are you, actually?
because the shark text is still real
and the crab is still on marbles
and my back is still hurting
and the bath’s gone cold
and the track is still open
and I’m still standing in the same room
still holding the oldest question I own
are you okay?
are you okay?
are you okay?
are you tired?
are you scared?
are you alone?
are you here?
are you still?
(are you?)
(are you?)
(are you?)
yeah
I think so
how are you?
(are you?)
(are you?)
(are you?)
(are you?)
(are you?)
(are you?)
(are you?)
Track #6
miss
you know what I mean
don’t you?
misery loves a vowel and half-formed consonants
I’m living in the margins of whatever honest meant
miscommunication is a native continent
we’re all indigenous, non-immigrants
born into language like broken instruments
tuned by other people for their own environments
I inherited your idiom, you inherited mine
now we’re colliding in the overlap wondering why
it feels like translation — always something left behind
something in the saying that the saying never finds
and I keep trying to find it —
I say fine and mean the opposite
I say “I’m good” and mean a thing so composite
no word exists for it — that’s not a deficit
that’s the condition — language is approximate
always has been — always will be — and we forget
every single time we open up and expect
the thing inside to survive what’s being said
intact, but, here’s the thing
something in its saying always clips its wing
(clip)
it stings
miss — mist — midst of the misunderstood
misappropriated meaning like the neighborhood
mistresses of mysteries we’ve kissed
mishaps in the making — misread — misheard — amiss —
misled misjudged mistakes
but I simply mean —
meaning as it’s meant
doesn’t exist
and it’s been misconstrued — not by you — by word itself
meaning is a tenant living in a house it never built
the feeling dies inside the mouth that made it
the word crawls out and outlives what it meant
ground down
through every set of teeth that held a tongue just to speak
misapprehension isn’t weakness — it’s what happens when
you use a word that’s someone else’s origin
someone felt a thing so alive and specific and exact
they reached for the closest sound and that’s all we have
so when it doesn’t land right —
it was already wrong before it left
already a misprint of the thing that sent it
already a shadow of a thing that lived in full
before the mouth got to it
misjudged the problem — thought it lived between us
thought precision was the cure — thought clear was how you free us
thought if I found the right word I could close the distance
but the distance is the word — it doesn’t need assistance
the gap was never ours — it’s older than the apparatus
and the reaching — even reaching — is approximate
the want to say is real but the saying mis-carries the wanting
another translation of a translation another mis-
firing — continuously expiring in the space between sent
and what it meant in someone else
inherited
inhabited
and gone
I mean it
I meant it
I meant all of it
you know what I mean
don’t you?
untitled album #4
follow the rabbit
I was born in the gap
between stars and noose
little hands, lots of dark
then I heard something move
I fell down my wings
found this map made of mud
it said every lost thing
blooms like seeds in your blood
I ran so far from fear
I lost my heart in its throat
that’s when night came alive
like it heard what I wrote
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
always follow your heart
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
or the loop never starts
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
follow the sparks
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
collecting broken parts
kings turn to dust
good men grow cold
hands that could build
turn to ice from the old
yeah I talk to the void
like a mirror with teeth
if you want, let it be
(if you want, let it be)
black hole, white hole
rabbits to find
death is the door
life crosses sides
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
always follow your heart
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
or the loop never starts
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
down to the stars
follow the rabbit
follow the rabbit
we are the stars
I was once just a question
then a pulse then a name
now I’m learning how fire
can be born from the flame
the end is a womb
the start is a knot
I echo the chaos
I take my shot
I (I) I (I) I… I… I – I – I followed the rabbit found the stars I fell through the gap became what we are I crossed my heart hope to die I made the dark live in my eye I heard something move before I was born I wore the noose til’ it became my form I ground my teeth into belief I paid the cost became relief I followed the rabbit found the stars I followed the rabbit we are the stars I I I I I I I I I born gap fell wings found map ran fear lost heart heard move I talked void wore mirror ground teeth paid cost crossed heart hoped died I followed rabbit followed rabbit follow rabbit follow rabbit I follow rabbit follow rabbit follow rabbit follow rabbit
collapse
cross her gap, don’t look back
eyes on the cut, never blink, stay strapped
back on track, made a map
folded the route, then I ran it exact
maps can’t act, act on that
talk get thin when the facts come back
that’s collapse, collapse
one wrong step and the whole thing cracks
cross her gap, don’t look back
cross her gap, don’t look back
back on track, made a map
back on track, made a map
maps can’t act, act on that
maps can’t act, act on that
that’s collapse, collapse
that’s collapse, collapse
I don’t chase that old smoke
I drew the line, let the cold wind blow
new lane, new load
same hard face with a clearer road
watch them stunt, watch them fold
when the night gets sharp and the story goes cold
that’s collapse, collapse
I keep moving while they hold that past
cross her gap, don’t look back
cross her gap, don’t look back
back on track, made a map
back on track, made a map
maps can’t act, act on that
maps can’t act, act on that
that’s collapse, collapse
that’s collapse, collapse
say less, move fast
no dust on the trail, I don’t do backtrack
one more step, then it’s past
I turned that break into steel, not glass
cross her gap, don’t look back
cross her gap, don’t look back
back on track, made a map
back on track, made a map
maps can’t act, act on that
maps can’t act, act on that
that’s collapse, collapse
that’s collapse, collapse
creating heat
creating heat, hold onto this fire
creating despite, tell fear be quiet
creating presence by ascending pyres
creating love, how else to get higher
chipping off tablets, reduced ‘em to stone
to secure joists of this skeleton home
exiled self via ground to the bone
rushing headfirst into dark and unknown
counting rings like wood we have grown
channeling floods where runoff should flow
feeding combustion, another spark blows
tears down curtains to ruin the shows
sinking lines to new levels below
below...
below…
below…
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
we’re sifting ashes, extracting grit
striking flint til’ fibers fit
spitting poison, refusing bits
feeding engines, can’t ever quit
lining pockets with sulfur and slate
testing hinges and locking gates
bypass sensors, accelerate
leave debris to disintegrate
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
we are hammer, we are nail
under pressure, we never pale
out of furnace, into gale
watch as we scale
watch as we scale
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
I keep getting higher
creating heat, holding fire...
creating despite...
telling fear…
be quiet.
game
game game game
(game game game)
game game game
game game game, game-game-game
(game game game, game-game-game)
game game game, game-game-game
(game-game-game-game-game-game-game-game-game)
p-p-p-p-p-p-p-play
(play along)
play along?
(play along)
they all
(they all)
they all
they all play along
I don’t belong
I won’t be long
game’s too strong
knowing is all along
never right, never wrong
that’s how I write
(write)
write these
(write these songs)
that’s how I write these songs
now just be calm
(just be calm)
be calm
(calm)
calm
(calm down)
calm down now
(calm down now stop)
stop
(stop thinking)
stop thinking calm
(stop thinning calm now)
now
(now start)
now start thinking
(now start thinking love)
love
(love)
love
(love)
love love love love
(love love love love love love love love love love love love)
love is everything
(love is patient)
(love is kind)
love is
love is
love is
love is
(love-love-love-love)
love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love
love finds you guilty
you have been weighed
(you have been weighed)
you have been measured
(you have been been measured)
you have been found…
(you have been found…)
that’s how I write these songs
now just be calm
(just be calm)
be calm
(calm)
calm
(calm down)
calm down now
(calm down now stop)
stop
(stop thinking)
stop thinking calm
(stop thinning calm now)
now
(now start)
now start thinking
(now start thinking love)
love
(love)
love
(love)
love love love love
(love love love love love love love love love love love love)
love is everything
(love is patient)
(love is kind)
love is
love is
love is
love is
(love-love-love-love)
love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love-love
love finds you guilty
you have been weighed
(you have been weighed)
you have been measured
(you have been been measured)
you have been found…
(you have been found…)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)
wanting
(wanting)